The other day, as I sat in meditation this morning I drifted into a memory of myself from half a lifetime ago.
There I was, a young woman, distraught and alone, craving love and attention, caught in a never-ending search for something outside myself that felt elusive and always just out of reach. Searching for what I believed would make me happy.
At the time this felt so overwhelming and unsettling as this young woman was never fulfilled in her present moments. She believed that the next job, the next apartment, the next city, the next fill in the blank, would bring her what she was seeking. She was trapped in the never ending battle of thinking if only this happens then I can be safe and content, and she hated living this way.
She wanted this part of her that was always seeking to leave her alone so that she could breathe and find peace in the raging storm of her thoughts and emotions.
So as I sat with her this morning I invited her to lay with her head in my lap, I stroked her soft hair and offered her these words.
“I see you. I hear you, I love you. I know all feels dark and impossible in this moment, yet please know that everything will be ok. This part of you that is searching for something, let it guide you, let it lead you, let it love you. Stop wishing it away sweet one, as you will come to see that it holds a wisdom so deep and wise that it will take your breath away.
It will take a while for you to accept the wildness and aliveness that lives within your heart. You will spend many years rushing forward trying to escape its ebb and flow and pushing it away and stifling it out of fear.
Yet there will come a day when you realize that this part of you is actually the TRUTH of you. You will learn to listen to this place and honor this place knowing that it calls forth from your being your purpose, your gifts and your strength. You will learn to turn towards this place and love this place and honor this place as you come to realize that it holds your greatness.”
Today I sit here a very different version of that girl who was so ravaged by life and her wounding, yet I see that my BIG SELF, my soul, was always present underneath the layers, urging me to grasp my life by the reins and run screaming and laughing into my future.
Without her persistent searching and seeking, I would not have all the goodness and love that is my life now. I would not know myself so intimately, or so wholeheartedly. She is the very reason I am who I am today.
Beloved one, what parts of you are asking you to let them out into the world so that you may love yourself unconditionally and run wildly into the life that has been waiting for you all along?
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